The College Years
One of my closest friends went through a similar crisis of faith during our freshman year of college. Looking back it’d funny because I viewed his awakening as the wanderings of someone who was lost. Instead, it was I who was lost. I viewed his struggle as one of weakness, and my faith as a position of strength. We would often debate the finer details of theology and why he was drifting away from belief and why I clung to it.
He would pose the typical cynical questions of “if god is good why do bad things happen?” I stuck strongly to the company line of “All things work together for good for love who love god.” It’s ironic that this is now one of the most infuriating arguments to me.
If god is all powerful then he cannot be all good, if he is all good then he cannot be all powerful.
An old line for sure, but still true.
My college years were spent leading worship music at church, avoiding alcohol and sex, and being a good boy. Romantic relationships were built around the notion of faith, and my friendships with those that didn’t share my faith faltered.
Looking back, my pious nature was incredibly hypocritical. I still didn’t feel saved. In my heart of hearts I was still lost.
Leaving Mississippi
Immediately upon my graduation from college I packed my meager belongings and moved to Tampa, FL. I am certain there will be a blog post in the future detailing this adventure so I won’t re-hash it here. Needless to say, this was a big moment for me. For those of you who have been to Florida you may think that this is no big deal. I cannot stress enough how different Tampa and Mississippi are.
I was alone yet it was everything I wanted. A fresh start.
I began attending a church for a bit but nothing too serious. I was in a relationship with a religious person but that was tenuous at best. I can’t say what sparked it, but one day I started to wonder about the historical accuracy of the Bible. I’m not going to dive into the finer details of this here. I’ll save it for a later day. What I found though was astonishing.
For 24 years I had taken solace in my belief that the Bible was factual and the word of god. The internet can be an interesting place because I found myself in a rabbit hole full of arguments about the historical accuracy of the Bible and the christian faith.
Annoyance and anger turned to curiosity. Had I just bought what I had always been taught? If I removed my feelings and looked at the facts, should I believe the Bible?
The answer slowly became a resounding no. Most defenders of the faith were coming from an emotional or faith based place, not from a logical one. It astonished me how people who were otherwise brilliant and ordered in how they went about their lives turned into a different person when discussing religion.
Moving Forward With This Knowledge
I’d like to say that I immediately stopped believing. It would make me immensely proud to stand before you and say I had the courage to discuss this with others. But I didn’t. These discoveries terrified me. I felt lied to, I felt hollow, and I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. In the midst of all that, I also felt a sense of hope that maybe I was uncovering some truth that had once been hidden from me.
People say that atheism or agnosticism must be sad and lonely given the lack of certainty about the aftermath. I disagree. It opened a world of possibilities for me that I would have otherwise never seen.
