Growing Up Southern Baptist

Much have my worldview has been dictated by my upbringing in the church. For better or worse, we are a product of our experiences and I am no different. First things first though. I fully believe that everyone has the right to think and believe what they want. I am not here to tell you to think like me so do not take this as such. I am merely here to tell you about my own experience

My father was and is a Southern Baptist pastor in the Deep South. How deep? Southern Mississippi deep. I was born while he was in seminary and all of my childhood was centered around church. We went twice on Sunday and every Wednesday. If there was a revival going on, we were at that too. Missing church was not an option in my family.

We were not the type of family who just went to church and then lived our lives. I know many people who hold religious beliefs but are otherwise much like everyone else. In our case though the concept of God permeated every aspect of life. We only read Christian books (with the occasional classic) we only listened to Christian music (unless it was too loud) and every movie we watched had to be thoroughly reviewed by my parents prior to viewing. When I was around 9 years old, a friend gave me a copy of DC Talk’s Jesus Freak. This is an incredibly religious album. However, it was the first songs I ever heard with loud guitars and rapping. It goes without saying that my parents were not thrilled about this development and I was banned from listening to the album. This was the beginning of my love for heavy music.

Hell

The other aspect I remember quite vividly growing up was the concept of hell. Southern Baptists firmly believe that without being saved by god we are all doomed to an eternity in hell. This is terrifying to hear as a child. My father told me when I was 5 that one day good would invite me to half a personal relationship with him, but that if I didn’t answer that call he may not call again. A week later I accepted Jesus and was baptized. Was this some divine intervention? Hardly. This was a decision born out of terror.

I spent the better part of the next 15 years unsure of if I was going to hell or not when I died. I didn’t feel saved. I didn’t feel the voice of god like so many others claimed to. I felt alone. Heavy involvement in church was still a thing and I went through the motions. However, inside I felt lost. I am not a psychiatrist and am not qualified to opine on the psychological effects of this on others. However, for me this was huge. Living with the uncertainty of the afterlife when that has been the driving force of your life was a frightening experience. This manifested itself in dangerous and horrific ways that caused damage to others.

Coping With Uncertainty

I began to act very pious in an attempt to convince myself that I was saved and that I would find my way to heaven. I looked down on those that didn’t believe what I believed and I felt superior because of it. It was as if I though I could fake my way to salvation if I was pious enough.

There was a very specific scenario that haunts me still. I played music throughout high school and college in a band. Our drummer came out as gay. This was problematic for me because this was a religious band and the concept of homosexuality was foreign and terrifying. Instead of accepting that individual and understanding how tough growing up gay in Mississippi was, I condemned her. I made her feel like trash, and likely caused great emotional damage to her. I was supposed to be her friend, but my own insecurity caused hurt to others. This ended up being the thing that caused that band to disband and ruined relationships I had held for a long time.

She likely doesn’t realize it, and many people I knew at the time don’t know it, but this would later become the catalyst for my future lack of belief.